


The Issue of Your Inadequacy

by PrinceOfApart



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Eating Disorder, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-13
Updated: 2013-12-23
Packaged: 2017-12-11 17:31:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/801287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrinceOfApart/pseuds/PrinceOfApart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even when you were at home with Dirk, you could see that he was dumbing things down for you. He would change the channel from the news or Discovery to a channel that played movies or whatever you could both enjoy without you needing to ask him about the content. He would read when you were gone or busy, or say, “It’s just robot stuff, nothing you’d like.” when he would work on his robots, and it bothered you. It bothered you that even though you wanted to, you couldn’t understand.<br/>It bothered you how easily he beat you when you wrestled. That was supposed to be your forté, but you always lost. You were frustrated that you couldn’t beat him and upset that you were boring him. You loved him. He fit. Sure, you had a tough time a long while ago, but you’d learned from it and your relationship was marvellous afterwards. Now, however, there was the issue of your inadequacy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Inadequacy

You realized it when you were out with your friends.

They all spoke with one another about interesting topics, making jokes and laughing, being sarcastic and satirical when you realized that you were kind of just there. Not really contributing to the conversation. At first you thought you were just uninformed, but then you understood.

You understood that you didn’t understand.

When you thought about it, they were all smart. They were all highly intelligent in one field or another; Jane with mathematics, Roxy with science, Dirk with robotics. They understood and spoke about what was going on in the world and what they had learned about Macbeth and Lord of the Flies and you were sort of just there. Listening but not being a part of it.

Even when you were at home with Dirk, you could see that he was dumbing things down for you. He would change the channel from the news or Discovery to a channel that played movies or whatever you could both enjoy without you needing to ask him about the content. He would read when you were gone or busy, or say, “It’s just robot stuff, nothing you’d like.” when he would work on his robots, and it bothered you. It bothered you that even though you wanted to, you couldn’t understand. 

It bothered you how easily he beat you when you wrestled. That was supposed to be your forté, but you always lost. You were frustrated that you couldn’t beat him and upset that you were boring him. You loved him. He fit. Sure, you had a tough time a long while ago, but you’d learned from it and your relationship was marvelous afterwards. Now, however, there was the issue of your inadequacy. 

So you’d gone to a bookstore downtown, Domum Haesit, whatever that meant, and bought some of the titles you recognized but hadn’t read yet. Three books, one bag, and twenty minutes later, you arrived home and set the books on a shelf, tossing the bag and turning on your computer to set up a gym membership. A few minutes later when that was done, you picked up one of the books and started to read.

About a chapter later, you decided it would be best to continue reading the next day when you weren’t so tired. You marked your place, went upstairs, shucked your jeans and shirt and crawled into bed beside an already sleeping Dirk. You’d read when he said he would be working on his robotics commission.

Before you fell asleep, you kissed his cheek, causing him to give a short little smile before letting it fall again. Then you slept.

-

“I think I’m going to go to the gym.”

You looked up from your soldering at Jake. He had his eyes directed to a book he had cover-down on the table across from where you had set your work up. You noticed without particular caring that it wasn’t even a comic book he was reading.

“You mean right now?”

“Yes, I think so. I wouldn’t mind something to work up a solid sweat.” he spoke without looking up.

“We could always wrestle.” you responded with a raised eyebrow and a smirk playing on your lips. Wrestling generally ended in a certain activity that you can’t say you didn’t enjoy.

He hesitated before shaking his head. “No thanks, not particularly in the mood for a tussle.”

You stared at him as he shut his book and got up to grab his jacket. No wrestling? That was a first. You continued watching him as he got ready to go. When he was prepared, you asked, “How long will you be?”

“I’m not certain. I’ll send you a message when I’m finished, alright?”

“Okay. Thanks.”

He walked over and placed a quick kiss on your lips before walking out the door, calling out a short, “love you!” before shutting it, leaving you alone.

For a while, you just worked in silence, soldering some wiring before being suddenly reminded of his book. You put down your equipment and reached over to grab it, marking his place with your finger. You closed the cover and were taken slightly aback by the title.

“Catcher in the rye.” you read aloud to no one.

He was quite a ways into it.

It never struck you as Jake’s sort of book. You would have expected it to be a comic like Spiderman or Superman. If you had have expected a book, you would have thought something a bit less... intelligent.

That sounded awful, but it was true. Jake wasn’t stupid by any means, but he wasn’t interested in literature like this at all. If he was, you’d have thought maybe Gulliver’s Travels or something with a bit more of an adventurous vibe. You didn’t know if you were pleasantly surprised or confused.

Wordlessly, you put the book down where it had been before, and after a moment, went back to your soldering. Jake liked trying new things; maybe this was just one of them. Maybe the gym was too.

When you went to bed alone, however, missing Jake beside you, you wondered if the gym was a good new thing.


	2. Ache

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Symptoms arise.

A few weeks later, he had beaten you in a wrestling match.

It had been a prolonged process, starting out with you giving his ass a smack followed by him trying to get you back. At some point following a simple tap-for-tap, you had ended up on the floor of the living room tangled in each others limbs and fighting to win, not genuinely trying to hurt each other, of course. Just struggling to come out on top, which was more often than not a fight to see who would be on top in a different sense of the word.

“Okay, okay, I give” You panted out from beneath him.

He squeezed your wrists in response, obviously tired. “Aha! You’ve just been bested, mate!”

“Have I now?” you said in retort. “And what do you plan on doing about it?”

To be honest, you were eagerly anticipating his next move. It wasn’t usually him that came out of a match the winner. You couldn’t remember the last time he had. Leading up to this moment, all other bouts of sparring had ended with you the victor, although you couldn’t say you didn’t enjoy the pleasant surprise. Or the fact that you were pinned down by the boy you loved.

You watched him think after you asked him the initial question, waiting for a verbal response. But there was something off about it. You could see gears turning in his head, but his expression lacked what you would have considered appropriate emotion for the circumstance. It wasn’t lustful or mischievous or even loving. It was essentially blank save for tiredness and something else you couldn’t exactly pinpoint. He looked conflicted.

Before you knew it, the pressure was gone from your wrists and Jake was off of you, offering his hand. You took it and stood up. 

Once you were standing, he stated, “I don’t particularly feel up to it right now, if that’s alright with you.”

You hesitated before nodding. “Yeah Jake, that’s fine. Absolutely.” Although something was clearly not alright. You knew Jake’s libido pretty well, and since he had started going to the gym a month ago, it hadn’t been the same. The most you two generally went without sex was two days, and that wasn’t a common occurrence. For the past month, however, that had expanded exponentially, and now you were clocked out at one week without. It didn’t bother you that you weren’t doing it, though, it just felt off. You figured it would have gotten stronger with his constant workouts and complete dietary overhaul, but it was diminished instead.

You put it aside. “Anything you want to do?”

He thought on it for a moment. “No, I’m fine. It’s quite nice out; I think I’m going to go for a run.”

He tried to walk away to the front door but you didn’t let go of his hand, halting him. Hesitating momentarily, he looked back at you with a confused expression.

“Don’t go.”

“What?”

“Don’t go. Please? I miss you.”

You were kind of embarrassed at that last part, but it was true. You barely got to see him anymore now that he was always out exercising or busy reading.

“Um...” He looked away from you and back, conflicted again. You gripped his hand tighter.

Finally, he spoke again. “I won’t be long.”

You sighed and dropped his hand to run your own through your hair. “Okay, fine. I’ll see you later.”

He hesitated before walking to the door, leaving you standing alone in the living room. You listened to him get ready and pause before opening the door, shutting it behind him a few moments later. Once we was out you listened to his footsteps in the hallway of your apartment building until you couldn’t hear them. Then, you put on one of his favourite films and curled up on the couch with your arms wrapped around yourself.

You fell asleep a few minutes later.

-

By the time you got back to the apartment, your heart was pounding painfully hard. You walked up the stairs slowly, stabilizing yourself on the railing. The light-headedness had faded by the time you reached your floor and was gone by the time you entered your home. You kicked off your shoes, taking a moment to recognize the sound that came from the living room.  


You walked into the living room and saw Dirk asleep on the couch as Tomb Raider played on the television screen. He must have put it on right when you left to be as far in as he was. Or would have been, had he been awake. 

He said he missed you. Was that why he had put this on? Quietly, you walked to the couch and crouched beside him, reaching up to brush a bit of hair from his face. He stirred, but remained asleep.

“I’m sorry, love.”

You grabbed the remote and turned off the movie. Then you hooked your arms under him and hoisted him up carefully, despite your muscles aching from it. You were a bit disappointed by the fact that it wasn’t as easy as it used to be. Maybe you’d just have to go to the gym more.

With a sleeping Dirk in your arms, you walked to the bedroom, nudged the door open with your hip and set him down gently on the bed. After tugging off his jeans and shirt and dressing him in a set of your pajamas, you shed your own clothes and took up a pair of his PJs and walked to the shower.

You set the new garments down and turned on the taps, favouring the cooler setting. Once that was done you stepped into the steam, wincing a bit at the temperature. You rinsed off, washed your hair, and then looked down at yourself. You lifted your hand and pressed two fingers against your stomach. Then you pinched at the skin and pulled, making a face at the give. The amount of fat that was on your stomach was easy to hide with shirts, but you always knew it was there. 

You ran your hands over your hips and pressed with your palms to feel the bone. You kept the same pressure and moved them down to your legs momentarily, then moved them up to pinch the skin on your upper arm. You flexed, pulling at the lithe muscle you had, then dropped your arm back down. The cold water wasn’t doing anything to help with the aching. You shrugged it off and bent down to turn off the water and stepped out. You grabbed a towel and dried yourself off quickly, shaking the water out of your hair. The towel was left on the floor beside the bathtub where it always went before one of you got around to washing the pile that always accumulated there. You picked up the clothes, giving them a sniff before you slipped them on and walked back to bed. It was a bit late, but not so much that you couldn’t go for a morning run. Not that you’d skip it anyways.

You walked back into the bedroom and crawled into bed beside Dirk. He was still sound asleep and moved subtly every so often, probably from a dream. Maybe you’d hear about it in the morning. Your stomach growled as you snuggled close to him which earned itself a silent curse from you. You adjusted the blankets to cover your feet and held your hands close to him and shut your eyes.

Despite the hunger, it didn’t take you very long to fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like the next chapter is going to deal with food. Or the lack thereof.  
> I'm a bad person and who likes hurting Jake and Dirk.  
> C'est la vie.


	3. Erotica Neurotica

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two things are going to be an issue.

When you got back in the door, Dirk was just walking out of the bedroom. His hair was mussed from sleep and his eyes were still half closed. Catching your breath, you kicked off you shoes and walked up to him. He opened his eyes more and wrapped his arms around your waist.

“Morning, Jakey.” he said groggily.

You snorted at the pet name. “And a good morning to you too.”

“Where’d you go?”

“Out for a run.” you said, nervously anticipating his reaction. He raised an eyebrow at you.

“Did you have something to eat first?”

“Relax, of course I did.” You lied. Well, not really. You’d had a bite of an apple before throwing it out. The taste had bothered your tongue and the texture irritated your mouth and you didn’t really want any more in your stomach other than that small bite. Besides, you didn’t need much food before you worked out anyways.

He narrowed his eyes at you for a moment before giving in. “Alright. Good.” He placed a quick kiss on your lips before dropping his arms and walking towards the bedroom. “Remember, we’re going out for lunch with the girls.” He called out over his shoulder. “Get dressed.”

“Got it.” You called back. You had panicked a bit when he had first told you. If you had to go out to eat, you would be forced to do so to make sure that no one questioned anything. You were fully aware that what you were doing could be considered dangerous, and you didn’t want to stop nor did you want them to worry. 

You walked to the bedroom and entered through the open door. Dirk had already started a shower. He was singing somewhat quietly. He thought you couldn’t hear him, but you hadn’t wanted to tell him that you could. You actually quite enjoyed it. Listening to his voice, you stripped off your dirty clothes and pulled on a pair of nicer, cleaner ones. You didn’t bother to check your progress, opting instead to pull out your phone. You had come up with an idea to set an alarm around the time you would be eating so you would have an excuse to check your phone, and then look up the nutrition facts of whatever you ordered. It was quite clever, really.

What you were doing wasn’t even that dangerous. You never collapsed during a workout, never got sick due to your restricted diet, though sometimes your heart beat incredibly hard. That was just due to the exercise, though. There was really nothing to worry about. Regardless, you kept it from them as much as you could.

You set up the alarm and flopped down onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling. With the rush of blood, the room spun momentarily, as if you had been spinning, before settling back down. You closed your eyes for a while, relaxing easily. You lied like that for some time before you felt pressure on your hips. You opened your eyes to see Dirk, fresh out of the shower and fully dressed, hair not styled, straddling you.

“Hey there, sleepy head.” He cooed. “We’ve still got an appointment.”

You groaned theatrically. “Bollucks to it.”

With a smirk, he teased the buttons of your shirt with his fingers. “I’m afraid it’s set in stone. No way around it. We’ve committed to this and now there’s no going back.”  


You let your lips curve into a pout. “No.” You moaned, stretching it out for effect.

He trailed his hand down to the edge of your shirt. “Perhaps I can give you some...” he paused, slipping both hands under the fabric and feeling upward. “... incentive?”

You didn’t respond. By now you knew he could feel your stomach. He could feel the give of your skin that was the layer of fat that you had been arduously working away at over the past month. Of course, he’d felt it plenty of times before, but now you were hyper-aware of it. You felt the press of his hand, the give of your stomach, the tugging that was caused by his hands as they travelled up to your less than impressive chest, more defined than it had been a month ago but still disappointing. He must have felt it too, there’s no way he could have missed it, but he kept feeling upward. You looked up to his grin, down at his hands, and finally flicked your eyes over to the clock beside your bed.

Thank goodness for time.

“We should go.” You said abruptly, immediately regretting the hastiness. He stopped suddenly and looked at you, confused. “We’ll be late. You took a long shower.”

“Yeah…” He trailed off the word and still kept his eyes and hands on you. You stared back up at him until finally he slid his hands back out from under your shirt and got up. You stood after him and grabbed your phone, putting it in your pocket. He took a few minutes to style his hair, and then the two of you went to the door and slipped your shoes on before going out to lunch.

-

By the time you had all ordered your food, the four of you had already begun talking and laughing with one another. Roxy had told everyone about her new cat, Phalange, and had quickly been told off by Jane for naming a cat after fingers. That had spiraled into another one of your usual conversations involving the most ridiculous shit ever. And to think, people actually thought you guys were educated.

“So Jakey-pie.” Roxy said as she leant over the table slightly, waggling her eyebrows. “Dirk says you’ve been putting on a bit of the ol’ muscle, eh?”

As you expected, Jake got a bit flustered. “Well I don’t know about that, but I’ve certainly been more active, I suppose.”

“More active?” you said incredulously. “I can’t even wake up anymore without him already out for a run. He’s insane.”

He punched your arm lightly and you offered him a smile in apology. Roxy piped up again.

“Well then put up your dukes, English!” She held up her hands in fists in a mock fighting stance. “Let’s have ourselves a tussle! I wanna see this progress.”

Jake laughed and matched her stance. “I warn you, I won’t go easy on you.”

“No fighting or I will bake you two into a pie.” interrupted Jane, pointing a fork at them both menacingly. Roxy laughed.

“Okay, okay. I’ll let him off easy. What do you say, Jake? Just a quick flex for me?”

You looked over at him to see him fidget a bit. You nudged him to get his attention and he looked over at you. Nodding towards Roxy, you said, “Go for it.” and addressed her afterwards. “It’s pretty impressive.”

She snickered as he begrudgingly held his arm out to her, letting her squeeze his bicep once before she nodded. “Yep. Kid eats his spinach.”

You laughed, but winced internally. You weren’t so sure of that.

Just then the waiter brought over your food. He distributed it to each of you before leaving you all to eat. Three of you immediately started, but Jake poked his own food around with a fork at first. You eyed him sideways as he did, wanting to say something, but resisting.

Don’t be clingy.

A few minutes later, though, you got fed up with concern and went to ask him about it. His phone went off before you could say anything, though. He took it out quickly and started to type. You could have sworn his eyes went from the screen to his plate a few times.

After a few moments, he set it down and picked up his fork again. He took a bite and you visibly relaxed. Your eyes wandered back to where they had been and you found yourself making eye contact with Jane. She gave you a look of concern and nodded towards your phone. You picked it up and noticed a new text from her.

GG: What’s the matter?

Your eyes shifted to Jake momentarily before you texted her back.

TT: Don’t worry, it’s nothing.

She received your message and shot you another look. You shrugged it off and kept eating. After a few minutes, Jake stood up.

“I’m just going to the washroom.” You all nodded in acknowledgement and he walked away.

“I’m going to go get a quick refill.” Roxy said after Jake was gone. She grabbed her cup and stood. “You guys want anything while I’m up?”

“I’ll come with you.” said Jane. “I’m going to get one too.” She stood and they walked off together, leaving you alone. You went to take another bite of your food but before you could lift you fork, you noticed Jake’s phone beside you.

Hmm.

It wasn’t like you to snoop. It had never been. But Jake had you on edge lately. You looked towards the washrooms quickly and picked up his phone. The passcode was simple; he never changed it, so it was easy for you to get in. Once you were through, you pulled up his messages. His last one was sent yesterday, his last one received as well, so that notification earlier had been no text. You minimized his text history and pulled up his search history instead on a whim.

You faltered and stared at the screen.

The last thing he had searched had been a few minutes ago.

The last thing he had searched was the nutrition facts of his order.

The searches listed before that one were all the same with the variable being the food you had seen him eat during the past month or so.

You swallowed nervously and clicked on one of them. There were sub-categories listed underneath, obviously sections of the website. They read “calories” and “fat”.

Calories and fat.

Fuck.

You felt your heart beat a bit faster than it should have been and breathed deeply. Systematically, you closed the application and set his phone down where it had been.

You tried to calm yourself. This was probably just part of whatever diet he’d put himself on. Plenty of people counted calories and fat content. It probably wouldn’t last. He’d make whatever progress he’d want to and then forget all about it.

There was nothing to worry about.

So why were you worried?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to thank the Academy for the award of Silliest Chapter Title. I could not resist.


	4. Contemplation

The bathroom was humming silently with light music and the buzzing of a faulty light as you leaned against the door and looked down at the floor. That had been a lot of calories in the food you’d ordered. The bites you had taken sat in your stomach uncomfortably. Whether or not it was real or psychosomatic, you felt it and it felt wrong. You could feel the progress you’d lost from that little bit of food. It was just so uncomfortable.

You took a moment to lift your shirt and feel your stomach. It had made a difference, of course. You could feel that your stomach wasn’t the same way it was before. Your heart rate went up at the thought of it.

You wondered how easy it would be to throw up.

You shook that feeling off. There was no way you’d do that. Not on your life would you even consider developing an eating disorder.

Although it was tempting.

But you wouldn’t.

Would you?

Maybe...

You began to crouch down towards the toilet, pressing on your gut. The silence was a bit unnerving, being solid and fragile at the same time. At any given moment, someone could walk in, and you didn’t know what that moment could be. Or how compromising it would be.

Just as you thought about that is when you heard footsteps enter the bathroom. You froze in place and listened in fear. If it was Dirk, you’d be in trouble. He was already worried about you enough, he didn’t need this. You felt a momentary pang of guilt which was quickly replaced with relief when you heard the man who had walked in make a small cough, recognizing it as definitely not Dirk. Silently, you waited for him to finish up and leave, noting his lack of hand washing with a bit of disdain.

You stood up achingly and unlocked the door of your stall and walked out. Standing straight, you walked out to the restaurant again.

You didn’t need to succumb to that, to throwing up, to purging.

You were in control.

The thought made you smile.

-

When you and Dirk reached your apartment building, he was clearly aroused. You grinned as he nipped at your neck, even though it made it significantly more difficult to unlock the door. Partly out of habit and partly to frustrate him by not giving you both some leeway on the elevator, you opted for the stairs. He practically chased you up the numerous flights, leaving the both of you breathless. However, as you fumbled with the keys he latched onto you again.

It took some effort to finally get into your apartment. Once you did, he was quick to face you and kiss your lips rather than your neck. You didn’t complain, just enjoyed the physical intimacy you hadn’t given each other in a while. He made fast work of clumsily navigating the two of you to the kitchen where he lifted you onto the counter, never breaking contact with you. You kissed him hard and held him in place with your arms around his back. You could feel his heartbeat against your chest, and he must have felt yours too. He pulled back.

“Jake, your heart’s on fucking fire.” he said with heavy breath.

“With good reason.” you retorted, panting much more heavily than he was. He was right though. Your heart rate was up again. He smirked.

“Why don’t we slow down, hmm? We can take a shower.”

You cursed internally. Everything had been going so well. You probably would have had sex for the first time in a while. Until he brought up showering. It had also been awhile since your last hot shower, which, coincidentally, was with him. You had read that cold baths and showers were supposed to speed up your metabolism, so you’d made a point of showering alone and with the taps set to cold. Now, you didn’t know what to do.

Dirk, however, noticed your hesitation. “Jake?”

You looked at him with as much of a neutral expression as you could. “Hmm? Oh, sorry. I don’t really need a shower is all.”

He looked at you incredulously.

“Feel free to take one yourself, though.”

“You don’t want to join me?”

“It’s just that I don’t need one.” That was a lie. You’d just eaten quite a bit, you needed something to balance it out, and you doubted Dirk would let you go out for a run at this hour. You’d managed to stay out pretty late with the girls.

“... Well okay then.” he said. He backed away from you reluctantly, eyeing you in suspicion before walking to the bathroom. You hopped off the counter and headed towards the bedroom, where you flopped down on the bed and quite on accident, fell asleep.

You woke up the next morning in a pair of your own pajamas with Dirk curled up next to you, holding you close. You almost stayed in bed with him.

Almost.

-

Five months.

Five months of this stupid fucking diet.

By now, you knew it wasn’t a diet.

You were in bed next to him. He had fallen asleep as soon as he’d hit the mattress. At least he had changed first. You had crawled into bed next to him and tried to fall asleep, but the knowledge had kept you up.

You rolled over on your side to look at him. He was lying on his back and breathing deeply, causing his chest to rise and fall. You watched him for a while before quietly shifting closer to him. He didn’t notice, so you put your arm across his torso. Still, he laid silently, save for his breathing. You shut your eyes again and tried to go to sleep.

It didn’t work. A few minutes later you re-opened your eyes and looked at him again. You scanned his body with your eyes, only seeing from his hips up, the rest covered by the blanket you shared.

“Jake?” you whispered. You got no response.

Careful not to wake him, you lowered your hand to the hem of his shirt and slowly inched it up to his chest. You propped yourself up a bit to look at the exposed skin. It was a pretty big deal, actually. You hadn’t seen him without his shirt on in so long; you had begun to forget what he looked like without it. Not a surprise really. His sex drive had been all but killed and he never changed in front of you or showered with anyone but himself. You missed him a lot. Although, the feelings you got from looking at him shirtless now weren’t quite as positive as they had been five months ago.

He wasn’t sickly, really. He did eat, sometimes, although only to burn it off later. He was thin though. You could see his hip bones starting to protrude; sharp little bumps at either side of his stomach, which was built at one point but was now a parody of that, with thin skin stretched over barely-there abdominals. The plain of his stomach gradually met his ribs, which, to your dismay, you could count and nearly reach the full number. Looking up past his shirt, you saw his collar bones, more prominent than ever. His face was turned away from you, but you could see a sharpness in his features that wasn’t always there.

Letting out a quiet sigh, you shifted closer to him again and pulled his shirt back down, putting your arm back over him and winding one of your legs around one of his in a not-so-subconscious way of keeping him close, hoping he wouldn’t leave in the morning for a run. You got sleepier once you were closer to him, but you weren’t tired enough to sleep, so you thought some more. You thought about all of his running and going to the gym, about his unhealthy eating, his mood changes.

You thought about Jake five months ago. Back when he was happier and healthier. Back to when he was your Jake, your happy, fun, soft Jake, when you could hold him without him backing away or you fearing you’d break him. Back when he wasn’t so concerned about exercising that he could just lie in bed with you.

You missed your Jake, and you didn’t know how to get him back

 


	5. Cling

The alarm that woke you up more or less stabbed you in the ears. You swatted it lazily and miraculously managed to hit snooze. You lied still for a moment or so before rubbing the sleep out of your eyes. Dirk was curled up beside you, clinging to you with his leg wrapped around yours in an obvious attempt to keep you there with him. For a moment you stayed there and watched him sleep. His breath was warm against your shoulder and you could just barely feel his pulse against your arm. His hand was on your side clutching the fabric of your shirt and the other one was curled into his chest, which subtly rose and fell with each breath. You traced the arm across your chest with your fingers. He shifted the tiniest bit and mumbled something that wasn’t real words. You smiled. It was endearing in its own way, you supposed. He wouldn’t do anything that could be considered adorable unless he was asleep or in just the right mood to do so. What he didn’t know, though, was that you enjoyed them more than he thought. You might go as far as to say you cherished them.

It had surprised you when you’d realized the sheer amount that you loved him. You’d known you had felt something for him, but you never would have called it something as strong as love. All it took to prove it to you was one accident.

One of the rare occasions he actually drank had been at a bar. The two of you had initially gone with the girls and a few other people. Most of those few other people had gotten absolutely smashed pretty quickly. Normally, he would have been the designated driver, since neither of you were ever really fans of drinking, but again, rare occasion. Neither of you were sober enough to drive by any means. Roxy had offered to drive you both home, but she couldn’t fit the two of you in her car with the amount of people in the run she’d gathered up. She made you promise to wait outside the bar for her and drove off. Bad idea; alcohol and boyfriends don’t mix. One drunk kiss led to another drunk kiss which led to drunk-making-out-in-front-of-a-bar. You didn’t remember exactly when you’d been yanked back by the hair with the words “fucking fag” against your ear. It was hazy, but you remembered feeling your back against someone’s front and seeing Dirk in the same situation with another guy, much larger than him and probably slightly less drunk. Your flight instinct had kicked in and you struggled to get out of your own assailant’s grasp, keeping your eyes fixed on Dirk, who was fighting back sloppily. Your resistance only grew stronger when you saw him being pressed with his chest against the wall with his arms pinned behind his back and felt yourself being moved too do the same. You only broke free when you heard the clinks of two pocket knives. You’d escaped with a nick on your arm, but Dirk had received a larger wound on his stomach before you had charged and knocked his attacker to the ground. Thankfully, the gravity of the situation had them fleeing, but unfortunately, Roxy had to drive you two to the hospital rather than home. It was a short visit, just a few stitches for you both, but it opened your eyes, and in the days after you had made it obvious to Dirk just how much you loved him. You’d rarely seen him smile as much as he had during that time. The love you had for each other was much more evidently mutual from then on. Well, until lately, that is.

The alarm sounded itself again, thus snapping you out of your thoughts. You begrudgingly reached over and actually turned it off, then took a moment to disentangle your leg and his. Stretching your back slightly, you sat up and followed up with standing, feeling his arm slide off your chest. You took your pajamas off and quickly put on your usual running attire. After a quick check to see if Dirk was still asleep, which he was, you stretched out a bit more. Then you walked to the side of the bed and leaned over, placed a kiss on his forehead, and stood to walk to the door.

You were stopped by a hand around your wrist.

“Where are you going?” a sleep addled voice asked. You looked back to see him holding onto you and staring up at your face.

“I’m off for a run.”

“No you’re not.”

“Yes.”

“No. You run too much. Get back in bed, it’s not good for you.” He tugged at your arm gently. You tried to pry it away.

“Dirk, I have to go.” He sat and stood up abruptly.

“No, you don’t Jake. You run plenty. You’ll probably go at night. That’s enough, isn’t it? Just once a day?” You were silent. No, it wasn’t enough. If you skipped once, you’d fall back into the person you used to be before you got better. He understood what the lack of response meant.

“I’m not letting you go.”

“You can’t make me stay.” You tried to get loose again but he held strong.

“Yes I can.”

“Why can’t you give me some space and stop being so clingy?” you snapped at him. Immediately, you regretted it. Hurt entered his expression and he just stared at your snarl for a few long moments before wrapping his arms around you and burying his face into your shoulder.

“Please, don’t go.”

“Please, don’t try to control me.” You didn’t hug him back. That would only have made it hurt more. He let go of you and stepped back out of your reach, speaking quietly.

“Okay.”

You turned on your heel and walked out of the room. As you laced your shoes up you stared at the bedroom door across the apartment. He didn’t exit. You stood, opened the door, and left, shutting it quietly behind you. Normally you would have jogged down the hallway and down the stairs until you got outside, but you couldn’t bring yourself to do more than walk lethargically through the building until you exited the building and felt the cold air slap you in the face. Then, you began to run. It hurt pretty quickly but you pushed on despite the cold getting to you way more easily than you’d expected it to. As you ran you thought of Dirk and how happy you thought he would be with a better, improved you and how happy you would be with it too. Instead, it had only made him sad and made you tired and sick.

It was still better this way.

-

You’d have liked to say that you didn’t cry when Jake left, and that’s what you would have said if someone had asked. Your eyes were red for one reason though.

After a few minutes of silently sitting on the bed, you stood and walked to the kitchen. As you got out a bowl and cereal, you thought about Jake’s comment. There was no way he could have meant it. He knew how much that word hurt you. If he’d actually been thinking it, he would have awkwardly asked if you two could talk about it. You and he and both had thankfully learned that skill. This time though, he’d snapped at you and seemed not to care. It wasn’t possible that he actually felt like that this time around.

Could he?

You hesitated, holding the milk above the bowl precariously. Were you being clingy? Were you overreacting?

… No. Of course not. You knew full well that Jake wasn’t healthy. You had every right to be concerned. Still, you couldn’t help but still feel a little upset.

You finally poured the milk and took your shoddy breakfast to the living room. Sitting down on the couch, you put the bowl on the coffee table, opting instead to open Jake’s laptop. The password was simple; it was the answer to a riddle he’d probably heard in a movie. You opened the browser and pulled up his search history. What you yielded was a bit more than you’d expected, but you weren’t all that surprised. A bunch of diet sites came up, along with calorie counts, nutrition facts and the like. That part hadn’t been unexpected. What made you sad were the other titles that showed up. Things along the lines of “how to hide a diet from someone” or “how to make people think you’re eating”, not to mention the sheer amount of what could only be pro-ana propaganda. You hovered over one of them for a moment before reluctantly clicking the link. The website was poorly designed to say the least. The real disturbances were the photos at the top of the page.

Depicted there were three images at a time, cycling through pictures, mostly self-shots, of girls affected by the disorder the website was promoting. Some of them were captioned with the amount of time it took or phrases or pride. You bit back the lump in your throat and clicked the link to the full gallery, instantly regretting it. It seemed to be composed entirely of girls until you got close to the bottom of the page, where they had a small section showing boys lifting their shirts in front of a mirror to show hip bones and rib-cages similar to Jake’s. One of them in particular bore a striking resemblance to him and you nearly panicked until you noticed brown eyes instead of green. Still, you decided to close the browser and put the laptop away.

You ate your breakfast quickly before distracting yourself from the thoughts of Jake and that commission you’d gotten by turning on the news and texting Jane. The news yielded a story about some fraud case in West Virginia and a freezing rain warning. With Jane, however, you had managed to get yourself laced into inviting her and Roxy over for the evening, which you didn’t mind terribly at all. After that though, TV had proven boring and the internet disappointingly uninteresting, so you dragged your ass off the couch and got to work on actual important things.

Jake had returned home after a while, but you didn’t really interact much while he was there. You’d just told him that the girls were coming over in the evening, not bothering to mention his evening run. A large part of you wanted to, but you had no idea how you could bring it up without snarky passive-aggression, so you’d bit it back. The rest of the day had been spent in uncomfortable silence save for the rain with a small break in the late afternoon when he hugged you tightly from behind while you were working on your commission. You turned your head a bit to look at him.

“Hey Jake, what’s going on?”

“Nothing.” He said, resting his chin on your shoulder. You put one of your hands over his and worked without it for a bit, enjoying the rare intimacy.

“What have you been up to?” You felt him shrug.

“Not much.”

You offered him something to change that. “You wanna watch a movie? I can take a break.” He made a sound of approval and you turned around to give him a smile before the two of you walked to the living room. You sat down on the couch while he set up a movie and sat down beside you. For a while you just watched the movie contently until you noticed that his arm had found its way around your shoulders. You leaned into him a bit and he adjusted to accommodate, causing you to smile like a teenager on their first date. You could definitely get used to this again, you thought, and focused back on Jodie Foster buying a gun.

When the movie was just about over though, your attention was pulled away from the screen to Jake. His demeanor had changed, and it wasn’t because of the film. He was bouncing his leg up and down, which he normally didn’t do when he was stimulated enough by a movie or something of the sort. This irked you. You shifted your gaze up to his face and watched him until he flicked his eyes to the door and back to the screen. You sighed.

Just as the movie ended a minute or so later, he spoke. “Dirk, I’m-”

“Yeah, I know.” You stood and started to walk back towards your workspace. “You just go on your fucking run, I don’t care.”

Shit, that was a bad move. You turned back to see him staring at the floor, looking apologetic and unsure of himself. You tried to take a step forward but couldn’t bring yourself to complete the action. A million possible things to say ran through your mind before one was delivered to your mouth. “Be careful, okay? There’s gonna be freezing rain.” You said before turning back to your workspace and started to work. A minute later you heard the door open and close, signaling Jake’s departure. You just kept working. You kept working until you fell asleep.

About an hour and a half later, you were woken up by your phone vibrating on the table. You groggily opened your eyes and checked your messages.

Jane Crocker - gutsyGumshoe (2)

GG: Hey Dirk! Roxy and I are going to be about half an hour late, but we’ll be there, don’t you worry!

You checked the time. They’d be arriving in about thirty minutes if what she said was still in play. You read the next message.

GG: Also, Jake is NOT picking the movie.

That elicited a melancholy grin from you.

Roxy Lalonde – tipsyGnostalgic (5)

TG: dirk im really hungry is it cool if I raid your fridge?

TG: i don’t care if it’s a yes or a no imma do it regardless!!!

TG: uuuugh answer me!!!

TG: u shit

TG: your asleep aren’t you? gosh dirk i know english is a sexy boy but this is affecting your work ethic, BUB. ;)

That part earned a snort. No one would ever know. You considered responding, but she’d be there in person soon enough. You had a few more messages left, so you went back and checked.

What.

Jake English – golgothasTerror (6)

GT: Dirk im sorry.

GT: ic nt move anymore  im sorry

GT: im  ssorrry  made you upset

GT: im sorry m really sorry

GT: please can you  come get me im sorry to askk

GT: its just really ccolld andn  its hardd to move can you get me?

Without hesitation you called his phone. You mentally reinforced it in yourself to stay calm to lack-lustre avail. The whole time his phone rang your heart was beating thunderously and you came up with a thousand worst-case scenarios before finally, he picked up.

“… H-hello?”

“Oh fuck thank goodness. Jake, are you okay?”

“Ah… not-not exactly.” Stupid question. You could hear that his breath was shaking and his teeth were chattering and remembered: freezing rain.

You spoke as you bolted to the door and started sloppily lacing up your shoes. “Okay, okay, babe it’s okay. I’m on my way. Can you tell me where you are?” It took a bit of time on his part due to the cold, but he harshly described his location and you exited the apartment.

“I’m… sorry, I-“

“No, don’t be sorry. I’m sorry.” You said as you ran through the hall. “I’m coming, it’s okay, you’ll be with me soon, I’m bringing you home.”

“… I love you.”

“I love you too, babe. Wait for me.”

You hung up and ran faster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took a long time sorry!  
> Here have a cliffhanger to make up for it.


	6. Hypothermia

The phone dropped from your hands as soon as you hung up. You were shivering too much to hold it. It landed some ways away from you thanks to the heavy rain. There was no way you could retrieve it yourself in the conditions you were under, so you just curled into yourself more and tried hopelessly to warm up.

You were crouched against the wall of a building that had been home to many purposes, but was currently a restaurant of a questionable health and safety score. Initially, it had seemed like an ideal spot to stay; there was minimal coverage from the rain due to the small awning that bordered the building, but that had been a while ago, and the rain had begun to fall harder and eventually, what small solace you had was gone. You quickly progressed from small jitters to body-wracking shivers. You couldn’t feel your toes or your fingers either, and everything around you seemed bleary. Everything was fast and slow at the same time and you couldn’t wait for Dirk to arrive, despite how ashamed you were of yourself for getting like this. You should have been able to pull through it. It’s not like you were too far away from home. On the way back, however, your running had turned to stumbling and you knew that you wouldn’t make it. That was when you had collapsed against the wall and tried to wait it out. When you realized that it would only get worse was when you finally gave in and messaged Dirk.

Fuck, you put him through so much.

You shut your eyes. It was so cold.

-

It was a wonder that the door to the apartment building didn’t come off in the process of you essentially blasting it open as you ran out to get Jake.

You were immediately hit with freezing cold rain, but you fought through it and ran. A car would have been better, but that wasn’t something you had at the moment due to repairs. What you did have, though, was adrenaline. That was always functioning when you needed it. Not to mention that the location he described was two and a half blocks away.

You ran for what felt like forever but was more likely a few minutes or so before you reached your destination. You instantly recognized Jake’s phone on the sidewalk and scooped it up, placing it in your pocket before looking around for him. It took you a few moments to notice the figure curled up against the wall.

They were wearing Jake’s hoodie.

It was definitely Jake.

Oh thank god, he’s moving.

You bolted to him and went down hard on your knees beside him. “Jake?” you said, trying to remain as calm as you were capable of. Your hands went to him, one on his back and the other around his legs, which were bent up in front of him. “Jake, it’s okay. I’ve got you babe. Are you okay?”

No response. You shifted him back a bit, revealing a bit of his face. His eyes were shut, but he was still shivering. Kind of good. Also kind of bad. 

Keeping your panic in control, you hooked your arm under his knees and hoisted him up, tucking him against you as effectively as you could. Then, you made your way back to the apartment as fast as possible, saying things along the lines of, “It’s okay, I’ve got you, you’re fine, I’m here”. They may have mostly been for you.

When you finally reached your apartment, you went for the elevator immediately, opening the doors and managing to hit the button with the hand at his back. The whole ride up was a combination of your own heartbeat pounding wildly and you trying to calm yourself down so that you could actually help him. He was shaking so badly. His lips were turning blue and his face was pale like it had never been before. You cradled him closer to you and tried not to think about what you could have done to prevent this. Thinking about it wouldn’t have helped him.

Finally, the doors parted and you booked it to your place, practically kicking the door open and going straight for the living room. You didn’t even bother to go to the couch, instead sitting down on the floor, simultaneously taking his cold, wet clothes off and holding him as close to you as possible. You got his jacket off before the desire to hold him overpowered logic and you wrapped your arms tightly around him. Your hands rubbed his back and you breathed hotly against his neck. It occurred to you moments later that you were rocking him back and forth, but you didn’t care. Image was out the window. You needed to be fucking close to him right now.

Then you noticed how limp he was in your grasp. Still shivering, so tense, but limp. To your own surprise, you let out a sob.

“Please babe, please, stay here, stay awake.”

You kept going as you were before. Part of you knew that you had to do it differently, but you couldn’t bring yourself to stop. Before you could control yourself you were stuttering through sobs.

“It’s gonna be okay babe I p-promise, I’m here, you’re-you’re okay.”

You pressed your lips against his neck to increase the warmth you were giving and to check his pulse.

Oh fuck, it was so weak.

“Stay here, stay here, stay here please!”

“Dirk?”

You snapped back to reality to see Roxy and Jane, the former of which had just addressed you, standing in the doorway of the living room. They were looking at the scene in front of them in shock. You really couldn’t blame them. You also couldn’t be more thankful for them being here right now.

“Help me please.”

Immediately they were crouched at your side. “What do we gotta do?” asked Roxy, poised to assist by positioning herself at the ready to get up and go.

“... He needs dry clothes.” You managed to get out. She nodded and stood, moving swiftly to the bedroom to retrieve the items. Jane put her hand to your back and called out after her.

“Bring some for Dirk too!”

Roxy called back, “You got it!”

She turned back to you. “I’m going to make some heat pads, okay?”

“You remember how to do that?”

“I do. You stay here and get Jake out of his wet clothes. I’ll be in the kitchen.” She gave your back a few light pats before heading off in her aforementioned direction. You were hella-fucking-thankful that she remembered the first-aid you and her had been taught when you both got jobs as lifeguards when you were fourteen. That information would finally be useful. As she walked away you started tugging Jake’s shirt off. You tossed the garment to the side just as Roxy returned from your room with extra clothes and a towel, thank goodness for her intuition, you’d forgotten entirely.

“I got him.” she said, putting the items to the side as she held Jake for you, allowing you to remove his shoes, socks and pants. You took a minute to dry him off with the towel before shooting her a quick glance, giving her a moment to look up at the ceiling while you removed his underwear, replacing them with the blue pair of boxers Roxy had grabbed. Afterwards, you dressed him in the t-shirt and pajama bottoms supplied and looked to Roxy.

“Keep him warm while I change.” you said, and she shifted to sit beside him and hold him close. Content, you rushed to the bathroom and shucked off your own wet clothes, quickly drying off and pulling on the clean ones. You bolted back to the living room to see Roxy just finishing moving Jake from the floor to the couch. She gestured for you to come over and you did, crawling on the couch towards him and cradling him again. One of your hands went around his back and the other to his exposed feet, trying to cover as much of them as possible. Your lips went back to his neck and your warm breath was on his cold skin again. Roxy took his hand in one of hers and rubbed his arm with the other. The two of you sat like that for a while, silently warming him up, until Jane returned to the living room with four Ziploc bags filled with rice, each of which had been microwaved. You thanked her graciously and took two of them, putting one at his feet and the other between his upper thighs. The girls put one each under his arms. He was still not conscious, but when you put your hand to his neck to feel his pulse, to your relief it was heading back to normal. You rested your head on his shoulder in content.

The three of you stayed in those positions for a while longer before Jane spoke up softly. 

“I think if we give him a blanket now he should be okay. That will give us some time to make something warm to eat.”

“Mmm.” you responded in approval, muffled by Jake’s shoulder. She giggled.

“Is that a yes? Because it certainly sounds like one.” You pressed your ear against Jake’s neck, feeling that his pulse was almost perfectly normal again. Once that was confirmed, you lifted your head and looked at her.

“That’s a hell yes, actually.”


	7. Making Repairs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some lessons are brought back into light.

The three of you were in the kitchen, Jane by the oven taking care of the soup you had all decided on, you sitting at the kitchen table and Roxy giving you a shoulder massage that you hadn’t known you needed.

“I swear, you guys are going to spoil me to death,” you said as Roxy worked on your back.

“Pfft, as if you wouldn’t help us out in a pinch,” replied the impromptu massage therapist, giving you an actual pinch at the end of her sentence. You let out a laugh and smacked her hand lightly. You were incredibly lucky to have these people in your life, and you knew you owed them a lot.

“So, Dirk,” Jane said, causing you to look up and see her focused on the food in front of her, “Would it be too much to ask for an explanation?”

You tilted your head to the side and asked, “An explanation of what?”

She shifted uncomfortably before answering you, “Well, something’s been up these past few months, and I can’t help but say that this event is connected.”

Ah, of course. You figured this question would have appeared at some point. Still, you tensed when it was asked, causing Roxy to falter with the shoulder massage.

“I should have expected you’d sleuth something up,” you said. “That is kind of your game.”

You took a moment to gather your thoughts, which didn’t yield much. There was really no pretty way to say it, and you didn’t want the suspense of telling the whole story without the main issue being known beforehand. You certainly had your theatrical and foreboding moments, but now was not the time. So, you decided to put it bluntly.

“Jake has anorexia.”

“Oh my god,” Roxy’s voice behind you exclaimed. Her hands rested tense on your shoulders now. Jane pressed her lips into a thin line and stared down at the pot being used for the soup. So she knew, you thought, she just needed confirmation. Hearing yourself admit it was shocking enough, really. For some stupid reason, it was easier to say he was starving himself or he was working out too much. When you flat out admitted that he was anorexic, all of the connotations came to mind.

“I think it started about five months ago,” you continued. “He just all of a sudden started going to the gym and eating differently. He started reading a lot too. Like, hard-core books. I think this whole situation might have spawned from him thinking he’s... inadequate or something. Anyways, it was okay for a while. He was eating regularly, working out, reading. I actually saw him around. Then he started working out more and flipping his lid if he couldn’t go. He wouldn’t eat as much and he constantly checked calories. I barely saw him, he had this aversion to being touched, and he wouldn’t take his clothes off around me. This might be too much information, but we haven’t been ‘close’ for about three and a half months. This morning before he went out for his run I tried to stop him and he snapped at me. He called me clingy and basically walked out.”

You paused to beat down the lump in your throat. Instantly, you felt Roxy wrap her arms around your neck and shoulders, comforting you even though you managed to look perfectly composed. You looked up at Jane, who gave you an encouraging smile. You collected yourself and continued the recount.

“Later on today we made up, so we watched a movie together. After, though, he tried to say he was going out again and I kind of snapped at him. He left before I could say anything. He texted me later on saying he was sorry and that he was cold and couldn’t move, so I ran out and carried him back. Then you guys showed up and you know the rest.”

“Oh, Dirk,” said Roxy, wrapping her arms securely around you. You put your hand over hers and squeezed gently. After a few moments, Jane came over and joined in on the hug, and you couldn’t help but wrap your other arm around her.

“I’m fine guys, really. We should be worried about Jake,” you said, despite feeling much better in their embrace.

“We’re worried about both of you, Dirk. If you won’t think of yourself, we will.” replied Jane, “Although, it may be time to get some soup in his belly.” You let out a small smile and nodded against her shoulder. She pulled away and went back to the stove, transferring some soup into a bowl. Roxy let go of you and let you stand, and then you all walked into the living room.

Jake was still asleep on the couch. You crouched down in front of it and placed your hand on his arm, shaking gently. He stirred for a moment before blinking into wakefulness and looking at you. “Hey, how are you feeling?”

He hesitated before answering, looking around at Jane and Roxy first. “Alright. Why am I on the couch?” Then, “And why are there bags of rice everywhere?”

All of you except for him laughed, leaving him with a confused expression. “Those are homemade heat pads. Made by yours truly.” supplied Jane.

“You froze when you were out running in the rain and I brought you home,” you continued, “We warmed you up and Jane made some soup. We’d like you to eat some.”

“I’m not hungry, though I appreciate the gest-”

“Jake.” Roxy interrupted, crouching down beside you, “You have to eat. What you’re doing is all kinds of bad for you. If you fuck with your body too much, there will be long term consequences. We love you, okay? We want you to be healthy and right now you’re not. Please, eat.”

He looked back at her for some time before speaking. “There’s nothing wrong. I just got a bit chilly, nothing to worry about.”

Now it was Jane’s turn. “No Jake, there’s a lot to worry about. Dirk told us about these last few months, and believe me, we’ve noticed. You haven’t been eating, you’re acting strange, you work out far too much-”

“I do not!”

“Yes, you do,” you said. “You’re burning more than you’re putting in. We’re probably lucky you haven’t had heart problems yet.”

“It’s not like I’m in danger. I’m not going to die because of this.” he replied in defense.

“You are in danger. You actually could die.” you shot back. It sent a dreadful feeling down your spine when you did. He looked back at you in silence, searching your eyes. It freaked you out when he did that. He was one of three people that could do that, the other two in the same room as well. Despite the discomfort, you looked right back at him and let him process everything. After a minute, you put your hand on his and dared to say more.

“Please eat. I need you to be healthy. We do. We love you. I love you.”

After a moment of hesitation, he gently squeezed your hand. “... Okay.”

-

Jake actually managed to eat one and a half bowls of soup. You and Roxy finished the rest because you honestly couldn’t resist. Jane kicked some serious ass when it came to food. To be honest, half of the time you had to do grocery shopping, you brought Jane along because she knew her way around a grocery store better than some long-ass metaphor that you didn’t have the energy to think of right now. Right now, you were sprawled out on a mattress and a pile of pillows and blankets set up on the living room floor, which hosted all four of you this evening. The girls had borrowed some of your PJs. The four of you spoke and joked around for a few hours, keeping the mood positive. Well, except for you. Roxy had strewn herself across your and Jake’s legs like a cat and fell asleep almost instantly. Jane was lying perpendicular to her, letting Roxy use her midsection as a pillow. Jake was beside you, angled towards you, and you had your arm draped around him protectively, but not too much. You had an image to pretend needed upholding. Now, you were lying awake and watching Jake, idly playing with his hair. You pretended not to now notice the lack of growls that used to come from his stomach at this time of night. It was strange how you noticed it now that it was gone. It made you think what else was happening that you didn’t realize.

You shook those thought away. He was going to recover now. You had friends who were more than willing to help. Jake would be back to normal eventually and you would make sure he never went through this again. For that to happen though, you needed sleep; sleep that was not coming to you.

“Okay,” you breathed, forcing your eyes shut and your hand still. You stayed like that for a long time before you finally started to drift. Just then though, a sleepy voice woke you up.

“Dirk?”

You cracked your eyes open to see Jake, tired but awake, looking at you. “What’s wrong?” you answered in a hushed tone.

“Nothing. Well, not nothing. But nothing at the moment,” he replied, pausing afterwards, “First, I just want to apologize.”

“Jake, you don’t-”

“No, hold on, please. I want to talk about it. We’re supposed to, remember? Rose said so. We have to communicate.”

You just stared back at him. He remembered Roxy’s mother, Rose, from years back when your relationship had nearly crashed and burned. She was not only a novelist, but somehow a therapist extraordinaire with skills that managed to transcend into nearly all related fields, including couple’s therapy. Her methods were a bit unorthodox and a tad motherly. “Relationship counselling, communicative boot camp, what’s the difference?” she’d said, “Roxy has told me that you’re quite the dynamic duo, and although you are young, I will do this. To put it in layman’s terms, I’ll unfuck this partnership.”

And unfuck it she did.

“Okay, go ahead,” you said.

He nodded and continued, “I’m sorry that I worried you and I’m sorry that I insulted you. I manipulated you to keep you away, like you did a long time ago to make me stay. But you stopped that, so it was horribly uncalled for of me to bring that back. I was defensive again and I knew then that it hurt you, but to be completely honest, I thought that what I was doing was making you happy, and that it was making me happy. But I can see that I was wrong.”

All of that just then were Rose’s lessons at work. Recognize your own mistakes, apologize for them, and work to make repairs. Now, it was time to do that yourself. “I forgive you. I’m sorry I was indifferent to you when you left tonight, it hurt you. I’m sorry if I was clingy, but I was worried.”

“I forgive you.”

Recognize each other’s mistake, done. Apologize, done. Forgive, done and done, you forgave him a while ago, and he forgave you too. There was one more thing he needed to recognize though.

“Jake, do you know what’s wrong? Really?” you hesitantly inquired.

“I was committing to an unhealthy routine, right?” he replied.

“It’s more than that.”

“No.”

"Jake-”

“I’m not sick,” he said defensively, making a face once he heard his tone. You stroked his arm soothingly.

“Can I say it?” you asked.

“... Yes.”

You made certain that he was calm and ready before saying it. “You have an eating disorder.”

“I can get better.” he whispered. You nodded in response. “I want to.”

“Good. Now get some rest. I’m sure we’re in for a hell of a breakfast if Jane’s up to the challenge.” To your relief, he smiled.

“Excellent. Goodnight, love,” he replied, kissing you quickly on the lips. It was a good thing the lights were out; otherwise your blush would have been visible. No form sexual content could get you to break a sweat, but when he brought up those little pet names, all bets were off.

You shared another kiss with him and said, “Goodnight, babe. Love you.”

“I love you too,” he responded, and with that, you finally managed to drift off to sleep.

He was getting better already and you hadn’t even had breakfast yet.

Everything was going to be okay.

You couldn’t wait.


	8. Relapse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No process is perfect.

For three weeks, you and Dirk spent a good amount of time focused on recovering. It was difficult, but it worked. The two of you took time off to work on getting you in healthier condition. He would encourage you to choose what you wanted to eat at each meal and make it with you, setting goals every day for how much you would eat each time. He worked out with you to make sure you weren’t working out too much while still allowing you to exercise. When you felt smothered or cooped up, in a snap he would have the two of you in the car, which had been repaired, and on your way to a movie, a park, a mall or anywhere you wanted to go. At first, the constant reassurance and support had been nice, but eventually the trips out hadn’t clouded the feeling of being controlled as well as they used to. For the most part you managed to reason with yourself, remembering that he wasn’t trying to control you but rather help you. He was even doing it in a way that gave you most of the decisions. For the past few days, however, you had been growing weary of recovery. You never felt like you were succeeding like you did when you weren’t eating. You were desperate to get away from the regimen, so much so that you refused to continue.

“Alright. What do you want to do for dinner?” Dirk asked you, opening the cupboards to display the available options. You didn’t even look up.

“Nothing.”

He turned around to face you. “You’ve got to eat something. That’s what we agreed on.”

You shrugged. “I’m backing out.”

With a sigh, he shut the cupboards and walked to the table where you sat, then sat down on the side adjacent to you. “I’m afraid there’s no backing out. You said you wanted to get better, right? I’m not gonna let you lose yourself again.”

“Well I’m sorry mate, but you don’t control me,” you said, flicking your eyes up to meet his, “I don’t want to eat and there’s not a damned thing that will make me.”

A few strings of patience visibly snapped inside him. “Well where’s all this coming from?”

"I'm just not hungry."

“I don’t believe you,” he hesitated before continuing, “but if you say so, then maybe you could just eat a little bit? Not a whole meal or anything, like a snack? I don’t want you to skip.”

You shook your head in response. “I don’t want anything.”

“That’s not what we agreed on. I’m going to make something regardless of whether you want me to or not right now. If you-”

“Don’t do that, I won’t eat it.”

“-really aren’t hungry now, then wait until you are and it can be reheated.”

“I’m not going to eat whatever you make. Why are you insisting on doing this when I’ve already refused? I can look after myself.”

“The last time you ‘looked after yourself’ you could have fucked yourself up permanently. I’m not going to compromise. You’re eating tonight and that’s final,” he said, standing up abruptly and shoving the chair back under the table, walking to the counter to begin preparing a meal. You huffed and crossed your arms on the table, resting your head down on them, periodically pinching yourself whenever your stomach growled at the smell of food.

Eventually there was the sound of a chair sliding on the floor and a sort of clink in front of you. You peeked out to see a plate of food in front of you and Dirk sitting in the same spot as before with a plate of his own. The food looked fantastic and smelled as good as it must have tasted, and it made your stomach growl audibly, but you gathered yourself and pushed it a few inches away, burying your face back against your arms. Another sigh escaped Dirk’s mouth.

“Could you eat like, a few bites?” he asked, testing his luck. You shook your head.

“Jake,” he continued sternly, “eat, please.” You shook your head again.

“Eat on your own or I swear I’ll force you.”

“No.”

Suddenly, Dirk knocked you back by the shoulder, making you sit upright. You hissed at the harsh action and gave him a look of anger, but he ignored it, stepping up and swiftly grabbing your wrists. “What the blazes are you doing?” you barked at him, struggling to escape his grasp.

“I’m getting you to fucking eat,” he responded as he dragged his chair to himself with his free hand, sitting down and getting a better grip. You struggled harder but he held strong.

“I don’t want to eat! Let go of me!” you shouted as he picked up the fork and brought the plate closer.

“You could have eaten by yourself, but you didn’t, so now I’ve got to make sure you do. Stop. Struggling,” he retorted sternly, stabbing a bit of food with the fork and bringing it up level with your face but some distance away. “Open.”

“No!” you said with gritted teeth. The grip on your wrists tightened, making you whine.

“God, you’re so difficult. Open your goddamn mouth right now.”

You glared. “I don’t want to eat that disgusting shit,” you said, teeth not parting. Maybe if you insulted him he’d back off. Not the kindest plan, but you didn’t want to give in. To your dismay (and perhaps to some relief) he didn’t wince a bit.

“Stop being stupid.”

You growled.

“Eat.”

“For the last bloody time, I won’t!” You tried to jerk your hands out of his vice grip but even after three weeks, you were still weak.

Dirk narrowed his eyes at you and you glared right back at him. A moment of silence passed before he spoke up again.

“If you don’t eat, I’m leaving.”

… What?

Oh no no no no no.

“No...” you quietly protested, looking up at him in fear.

“Afraid so,” he said with a bite in his voice, staring you down challengingly, “I’m not a fucking saint. If you don’t eat, I’m grabbing my shit and leaving.”

You felt a lump form in your throat. He was the main reason you had started this. All you had wanted to do with this was give him a reason to want to stay. You thought you had done it, too. He’d seemed so happy when you finally managed to beat him, when he had to put in a little more effort than usual to beat you. The smiles he gave you when he made a reference to something and you were able to laugh in understanding, they showed that he was impressed. It was the same smile that appeared when he looked over your shoulder to see what you were reading. The smile that spurred you on. If he left you, you would never get to see it again. If he stayed, it meant you had to stop.

You made a decision and let your jaw relax, parting your lips.

“... I’ll eat.”

Dirk’s shoulders loosened slightly, the rest of him relaxing only minutely. “Good-”

“Would you really leave?”

You saw him tense at the question. He stared at you with a hard expression and you looked right back at him, hoping he would say no. Instead, he cleared his throat.

“Like I said, I’m not a saint. Now open.”

Oh. Okay.

You took a moment before opening your mouth and accepting the food. You thought about asking why you couldn’t just do it yourself, but you figured he probably didn’t trust you to eat on your own. Plus you didn’t know if you would have been able to do it yourself. A few bites later though, he released your wrists and let the fork rest on the plate. You looked up to meet his gaze.

“You can do it on your own now,” he said blatantly. When you didn’t move, he cocked his head towards the fork, gesturing for you to pick it up. With another moment of hesitation, you did just that, holding it loosely in your hand and looking at the plate. All you had to do was pick up some food, chew, and swallow. Then he wouldn’t leave you. It was simple. It was easy.

Except it wasn’t. Instead you just sat there staring at the plate in front of you with Dirk staring at you in turn. Already you could feel what you had eaten taking its psychosomatic toll. But you had to ignore that. You had to eat. And you couldn’t do it.

“Can’t you?”

Your eyes met his again and you let go of the fork, standing and pleading, “I’m sorry,” before bolting to the bathroom. You knew Dirk was chasing you there, but you beat him, locking the door and drowning him out as you knelt to the floor. As you raised your hand up to your face, memories rang in the back of your mind, from the day this started to the first time it was addressed as a disorder, to the time when you’d nearly done this in a restaurant, when you had denied it being a problem. You let out a bitter laugh. You had a disorder, for sure. You’d had one for a long, long time; you just didn’t realize it was eating you away.

You stuck your fingers in your mouth and down your throat as you succumbed.

-

“If you don’t eat, I’m leaving.”

You manipulative fucking bastard.

Of course you wouldn’t leave him. You wouldn’t leave him for anything. You had spent so long wanting him to want you back; of course you wouldn’t leave him over something he couldn’t control. Sometimes you thought that even if he treated you like a possession you wouldn’t want to leave, simply because of how much you had wanted him to want you. Collateral damage, really. If that was the case, then you’d bring yourself to break it off, but that wasn’t the case. You had threatened your boyfriend with abandonment over his illness. You were trash.

He caved. Of course he did, you knew he loved you. You knew you were part of the reason he did this to himself. Despite feeling horribly guilty, you were glad. You went to speak in praise, but only got one word out before he interrupted with, “Would you really leave?” and hit you with a fearful expression that made you want to let go of his wrists only to hold him close to you and thought _no I would never ever leave you I’m sorry I lied I love you_ , but that wouldn’t make him eat.

“Like I said, I’m not a saint. Now open,” you stiffly said instead. You saw him visibly accept the lie and now you sat with him, holding his wrists together in one hand and holding the fork in the other, putting food into his mouth and trying to ignore how he didn’t make eye contact with you and how he turned away slightly when he chewed, like he was embarrassed to be seen eating.

Eventually, after he’d eaten a fair amount of food, you released his hands and set the fork down. “You can do it on your own now,” you said, adding an air of “if you love me you will” to it. When he hesitated, you gave a gesture for him to pick up the fork by tilting your head towards it. He picked it up, but didn’t do anything beyond that. Maybe he couldn’t do it.

“Can’t you?”

He looked up to meet your gaze and you knew for sure now that he couldn’t. He stood and apologized, dropping the fork and bolting off. You took off after him, having an idea of where he was going. Your suspicions were confirmed when you reached the bathroom to find the door already locked.

“Jake, open the door!” you shouted, rapping the door with your hand. When there was no answer, you jostled the handle again and shouted more, “Open the door!” The only answer was something that may have been a small laugh or a sob. It wasn’t very audible through the door.

“... Jake?”

The sound that followed, however, was completely recognizable. When you heard it, you sank to the floor, cradling your head in your hands and muttering a line of curses. This was your fault and you knew it. With that knowledge, you sat there, waiting for him to finish and open the door so... something else could happen. What exactly, you didn’t really know. Apologize, for one. Then maybe you’d seek some outside help, even though it would be a blow to your ego. Oh well. Your ego could go fuck itself. You had a best friend and a boyfriend to think about. You only wish you’d thought of that sooner.

Eventually you heard the click of the handle being unlocked. You looked up to see the door open with Jake on the other side of it, standing and looking anywhere but at you. Eventually though, he did meet your gaze. A tense silence passed between you before you spoke up.

“... Water?”

“... I’d appreciate that,” he replied, sounding slightly raspy. You stood up and the two of you walked to the kitchen. There, you collected the plates and placed them on the counter, then took out a glass and filled it with tap water. When you turned back to Jake, he was standing awkwardly behind you. You handed it to him and he took a sip, muttering a thank you.

After a few seconds, you piped up with, “I’m sorry.”

Jake looked as though he was about to protest, but instead replied with, “It’s alright. I understand why you thought it was a good idea.”

“You shouldn’t, though,” you replied back, “force-feeding is abuse.” Wow, that really hurt to say. Not to mention that you actually did that. You’re an awful human being.

“... Are you going to do it again?”

“Hell fucking no.”

“Then I forgive you.” You were about to protest that, but he continued, “I know this is difficult for you. It’s hard for me too. But your patience isn’t flawless.”

You nodded in agreeance, “Yeah. Neither is recovering, though.”

He laughed weakly, “No, not exactly.”

Another bout of silence passed before you spoke again. “I think... it might be best to get some outside help too.”

“Do you mean like Ms. Lalonde?”

“Maybe. It’s not like we’d be a special condition now. We’re adults.”

“Legally, anyways.”

You both smiled. Nineteen years old and you still acted like kids sometimes. You had actually dared him to go to school (post-secondary, mind you) dressed like Lara Croft. When he had succeeded, he had dared you to wear lipstick for a day. Legal adults. It was you.

“Do you want to talk more about it tomorrow?” He thought on it for a few seconds, then nodded.

“Yes. I mean, yes to talking about it and also yes to seeking help from other sources too. We’ll just...”

“Plan it tomorrow?”

“Exactly.”

He took another sip of his water before setting it down on the counter behind you. With the close proximity, he leaned in and kissed your cheek. “Don’t think you’d appreciate my breath right now, heh.”

A thought struck you. “Jake?”

“Yes?”

“Was this uh... how many times have you...” you made a series of vague and unhelpful hand gestures before he got it.

“Oh. No, that was the only time I made myself throw up,” he responded a bit anxiously. “I did think about it before, though. But this is the only time.”

You sighed and silently applauded his word choice. “‘Only’ is a good word,” you said. He smiled again. You put your hand on his side and he didn’t protest. “Feeling okay?”

“I’m feeling much better, that’s for sure.”

“Wanna do anything? It’s too early for sleep.”

“You’re asking me that?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

“What?”

He grinned. “You know what I’m going to say.”

“Oh god.”

“You know full well what I’m going to say.”

You rolled your eyes and grinned back at him. “Just say it, you little shit.”

“Well,” he said, slipping his hand under your shirt. “I think that we,” he continued as he moved his hand upwards “should watch a movie.”

You pushed him gently. “I knew that, weirdo. You didn’t have to tease me.” His response to that was to laugh and take his hand back, only to place it on your shoulder.

After some discussion, you actually ended up going out to see a movie. Actually, you saw two. The two of you were having a good time and you figured that you both deserved a special break. Plus, Jake’s film choices weren’t as bad as many people would have expected them to be, and you found yourself enjoying both of them. The best part though, was that Jake actually ate something there. Of course, it was movie snacks, but you were still satisfied.

When the two of you got home, you went straight to bed. Double-features were surprisingly exhausting. You were surprised the two of you managed to pull off your clothes rather than just collapsing as you were, but then, maybe that would explain why you opted for sleeping in your boxers.

In the middle of the night though, you felt Jake disentangle himself from you and heard him walk to the kitchen. After a minute or so, you heard the microwave beep and whir for a few minutes, then the odd clink of utensils. When he walked back into the room and curled up with you again, he smelled liked stir fry. You decided to tell him.

“You smell like stir fry,” you mumbled.

“You make good stir fry,” he mumbled back. “I didn’t want to waste it.” You kissed him and kept your lips just touching his.

“You only love me for my cooking.”

“You’re forgetting I’m the one who taught you most of your culinary skills, silly head.”

“Oh yeah. Oops.”

He chuckled and you smiled. “I love you.”

You felt his lips curl into a smile before he responded. “I love you too.”

Then, finally, with your limbs entangled in his and the smell of re-heated stir fry accompanying him, you fell asleep and didn’t wake up ‘til morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They totally went to see Pacific Rim.


	9. Equal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “All shall be done, but it may be harder than you think.”  
> ― C.S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

You watched him in the peripheral corner of your shades. As you worked on blueprints at the foot of the bed, he sat at the head, reading a book with keen interest. Thoroughly distracted from your work, you folded the papers and tucked them away into their folder. He didn’t notice you crawling to lie beside him until you’d accomplished the task, folding the corner of the page and setting it aside, smiling at you.

He’s happy, you mentally noted.

He turned to face you better and you shifted to be closer to him. His arm curled around your back and your hand slid from his waist to his hip. It also may have travelled up under his shirt too. Maybe.

He was a lot softer than he was just over a month ago. There was a shallow depth between his only slightly protruding hips, and when you ran your hand upwards, you counted three of his ribs before they disappeared underneath his skin.

Hooking your arm behind him, you rolled onto your back, bringing him to sit over your hips. He, in response, smiled wryly at you, and you returned the expression.

“What were you reading?”

He shrugged. “It’s a childrens’ book.”

“That is exactly what I asked, you dork.” He made a face at you and laughed, eliciting a grin from you.

“It’s The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. I never bothered to read the book because the movie came out. Until now, that is.”

“Yeah? How is it?”

“It’s fantastic!” You chuckled at his enthusiasm.

“I never considered reading it. Adventure isn’t my go-to genre.”

“Maybe you could read it when I’ve finished with it.”

“Maybe you could read it to me.”

He smiled in response. You didn’t know if that was confirmation, but at that moment it really didn’t matter. Still, you thought it would be nice if he did. Having his voice go on while you worked or went to sleep, with its odd inflections and unique pronunciation, would be great. On the thought of his mouth, you slipped two fingers under his shirt collar and pulled him down for a kiss, which he readily responded to in kind. Your hands immediately went from his collar to his waist, slipping under his shirt.

You never tried memorizing him because you already did the first time. You’re an engineer and structure is what you do. Instead, you tried memorizing lengths and widths in metric and imperial. His inseam was thirty-three inches which you counted using your thumb as a reference. The weight loss threw some of your measurements off enough for you to notice just by holding him.

Jake wasn’t good with his memory, but he could have fooled you. He remembered minute details about you, some of which you didn’t even know. A tiny scar on your side that you could barely find in the mirror, a birthmark on your neck just under your hairline, if Jake could explore, he could remember. That curiosity went away when the anorexia came into play.

Thankfully both the measurements and the curiosity had returned.

Much to your… intimate enjoyment.

Moving on.

-

“... Did we just fuck after talking about a childrens’ book?”

You laughed through panting, lying content beside him. “I’m afraid we did.”

He hesitated for a moment before shrugging. “Oh well.”

For a while the two of you just lied there, catching your breath and making the odd comment. After a bit, you checked the time.

“Still early,” he filled in for you. “You wanna do something?”

“What did you have in mind?” You asked, rolling to lie on top of him. He slung an arm around your back as you did.

“New museum exhibit. I believe it’s Aztec.”

That piqued your interest. “Oh?”

“Yeah. Supposed to be real interestin’.” He elaborated, letting his accent fade in, making you grin.

“I say we go!”

“Awesome.”

You pushed yourself off of him and helped him up, beginning a search for clothes in the cluttered room you shared. You pulled on an ensemble as did he, then headed out the door with him, taking the elevator down and making your way to the museum.

After a few minutes of walking, he piped up, “Birthdays are soon.”

“Oh yeah. Gross, we’re going to be twenty.”

He laughed. “Interestin’ reaction, English.”

“Interesting accent, Strider. Are you trying to start round two?”

“Ohoho, feisty little maestro, are ya?”

You gave him a gentle shove and smirked. “You know me.”

“That I do.”

“What did you get me?” You ask, knowing full well he wouldn’t tell you.

“That’s against the rules, you goof. Everyone knows that. You don’t just break the rules, that’s like, twenty-five years maximum.” All you can do is smile.

You’d find out later that aside from a box set and a prop from one of your favourite films, he’d also gotten you a ring. One that you’d accept, but that both of you would never follow through with. Not because you would fall out of love, but because neither of you deemed a ceremony necessary. Also, you couldn’t agree on the cake.

You recognized how much he did for you. You could feel that you were healthier now, physically and mentally, and a lot of it was thanks to him. You also knew that he was healthier, in different ways, thanks to you. It was funny how it worked out.

As you walked beside him, you considered thanking him. Brief consideration yielded that you’d save those words for another time when you were with everyone, because they played a major role as well. He wasn’t about clichés, anyways, as big of a sap he secretly was. Instead, you linked your arm with his and continued on walking, talking about at least a hundred different things at once. One thing was certain, you were rarely ever bored.

At the end of it all, you could proudly say that you were genuinely happy, and your friends, your boyfriend, and everyone you were surrounded with could vouch for you and say the same about themselves.

There were no issues with your non-existent inadequacy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Then, everything changed when the fire nation attacked.
> 
> (Accidentally left that in. I am a serious writer who never does gags. Never.)
> 
> Thank you to Kiku (swordPrincess here and katanahime on tumblr) for being my editor and a jumble of other things as I've written this! It took a long time to get this chapter done, but now it's finished and all is well.


End file.
